It’s not hard to get a man to enumerate pretty much every problem he’s having with his girlfriend, or give you a transporting description of a drunken one-night stand with a girl from the club on friday. But once this man exchanges rings with a woman, suddenly; total, mysterious silence. Marriage is a black hole. Once someone is sealed inside a marriage, pretty much no informations escapes. And that silence results in a stunning ignorance among men: What”s being married actually like? How can i do it right? What can i expect from sleeping with the same woman for (if i’m lucky) fifty years? In the spirit of throwing open the door, shedding some light, and alleviating certain fears, here’s Eden Lifestyle’s guide to being a married man.
1. It’s a big deal. People will tell you it’s not as dramatic a change as you’d think. They’ll say that if you’ve lived with your girlfriend, you pretty much know what it’s like already. they’ll say it’s not a big deal. These people are lying to you.
2. You have no idea what you’re getting yourself into. Marriage is a leap of faith. Because you’re not just marrying your wife. You’re marrying your wife in five years, ten years, forty years. You’re marrying her when she loses her job, or goes through a depression, or decides to go back to school to become a website designer, or falls asleep again with the kids while you’re downstairs waiting to watch a movie with her on the couch. And the same goes for her, with you. Only more so.
3. What we’re saying is: The idea that there’s no sense of discovery is a marriage of bullsh**.
4. Say this in a love note: “The moon lives in the lining of your skin”. (That’s Pablo Neruda, friend. Poet of love, read him)
5. But don’t say this in a love note: “I want to eat the sunbeam flaring in your lovely body”. (Neruda again. Actually, don’t read him too closely)
6. Five other things you should never say to your wife:
- “F**k you” (sincere version).
Obviously, saying it in jest is just dandy. I did it six times just now.
- “You’re not my mother.”
I’ve said this to my wife a couple of times, and her reaction has always been unfavorable.
Oh, so you weren’t listening to anything she said.
- “I mean, we saw your parents just last month, didn’t we?”
You hate her parents. You just announced it.
- “Come here. Let me give you a hug” (when she’s pissed).
Angry women hate being smothered with affection. It’s like shooting a bear with a BB gun and then trying to cuddle it. Not that your wife is a bear
7. You must fight with all your will not to become one of these archetypes of coupledom:
- The Unconvincing Gropers; We believe you have a great marriage, okay? Quit molesting each other near the bouncy castle at my kid’s fourth-birthday party to prove it. Just come out of the closet already!
- The Executive And Her Assistant; His life’s mission is to explain to his wife other people’s insensitive comments, refill her wineglass when it’s empty, not to mention pulling the car around and trying to ensure that nothing upsets her in any way.
- The Ventriloquists; The husband has lost his ability to speak for himself. Hotel reservations, parent-teacher conferences, visits to doctors’ offices in dire situations: She talks; he stands there mute.
- The Siamese Twins; Been together since they were 18. If separated for more than four hours, will show immediate signs of duress, shallow breathing, slurred speech, bad decision-making.
- The Rocky IIIs; They bicker openly. Argue viciously. Put each other down. They hate each other and no longer even try to hide it. So much fun at a dinner!
8. It will make you into a man: Along the spectrum of types of men, I’ve always considered myself, let’s say, enlightened. Or to put it another way: I have always been kind of a girl. I could talk for hours and hours on the phone, I could make love, attentively, and discuss it afterward. Since being married, I have realized that person was a sham. Every day, I discover I’m a little more stereotypically male. I sometimes do not want to talk. About anything. To anyone. I suddenly want to watch sports all the time. The sex I want to have is of the unemotional, definitely physical persuasion. It’s not bad, but marriage will reveal to you that despite your best efforts, you’re just like every other bozo with a penis – Charles Beak
9. You’ll kind of forget what it’s like to be single.
10. And that won’t really bother you because you’ll start to find single people weird: Getting married is like joining an all-consuming new religion. Imagine if your best friend became a Mormon or a Jain. You’d both want to go out for dinner, prove how it’s not such a big difference after all, how the commonality of your friendship and your love of Arsenal is bigger than believing God delivered messages to Joseph Smith on gold plates that were buried in the ground. And you will have that dinner, drink a couple of beers. It may not dawn on you until weeks or even months later, but eventually it’ll occur to you that you’re no longer speaking the same language. You’ll be kind of amazed at the stuff your single friends spend their time worrying about – she had no idea how to mix a whiskey coke! she asked me for dinner, but I have tickets to see Rick Ross! – and you’ll struggle to remember what it was like not to be married. And you will think: on balance, not as good.
11. But as soon as your wife goes out of town, you will call that single friend and make him go out and get drunk with you.
12. And you single friend will live in fear of those “nights off”, when he is expected to compress months of pent-up bacherlorhood into a single night.
13. Also: Dont say you “got the night off”, that’s pathetic.
14. And when you celebrate with her, go big: If you’re buying champagne, buy the great stuff. If you’re buying flowers, don’t skimp. If you’re throwing a party, throw a big party with friends she loves and great food. And karaoke, if need be. No ambivalence here.
15. You might get bored.
16. When bored you might fantasize about banging your account officer. And that is within the range of “normal”: What’s not within the range of “normal”: actually trying to bang your account officer.
17. But then you won’t be bored: Suddenly sex with your wife will be like sex with someone you don’t know. Kissing your wife will literally feel like kissing her in the first moments you ever met, when you were excited to find out that she even existed. There’s a real lesson in this. You don’t know what’s going to happen in marriage, which from the outside would appear to be the absolute most static human state. Because from the inside, marriage is dynamic, challenging, and from one day to the next mixes the high and the low in such a cocktail that half the time you can’t tell if you’re drunk or hungover.
18. The magical power of remembering the details will finally, if you’re lucky, dawn on you: She liked a shirt at Zara, but they didn’t have it in her size. She couldn’t figure out how to download that comedy podcast. She loves orchids, but she can never find them in town. In the past, unless you were in the boyfriend hall of fame, this information would vanish from your head as quickly as it appeared. But with the benefit of coming into contact with this information again and again, you can avail yourself of the chance to put it to good use. You’ll download the podcast for her, phone another Zara, and put the orchids you found in a vase near the front door.
19. And remembering those details will make your wife immensely happy.
20. And you know what’s fun? Having an immensely happy wife.