The Gym Types To Avoid (Don’t Be ‘That Guy’)

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Are you a regular gym-goer? Consider this required reading. And if you resemble any of the following uncool customers, consider the fact that the general population would prefer you just did sit-ups in your room. Or, you know, quit being one of them.

Mirror Guy
From the time he steps into the gym, his eyes don’t leave himself. It almost creeps you out how hard he is staring at his own reflection. Chances are this guy will be wearing a boy’s medium wife beater and pretty much everyone wishes he’d get lost in a mirror maze.

The Cirque du Soleil-er
What happened to working out like a normal person? This person is not satisfied until he has incorporated every available Swiss ball and balance board into his workout while hanging upside down. I know there are new age training methods, but do you really have to do two cartwheels, jump over your buddy and then finish with a reverse lunge?

The Rack Hugger
This is the person who picks up the dumbbells and doesn’t step back from the weight rack, thus making it a tightrope walk for anyone else to use any of the other weights. And that only gets dicier when the rack hugger is an old man in a cut off shirt with abnormal shoulder hair.

The Grunter
He’s doing a standard workout and making sure the entire world knows about it. That’s the Grunter, the guy or girl who can’t exercise without forcefully exhaling like a seal in heat. To be fair, there are some arguments in favor of grunting: Exertion is often easier when breathing out, an occasionally noisy process. Many find that the grunting is an integral part of their strength and timing, something they can’t exercise without. Which would be fine if they were in the gym alone. But they’re not, and a key element of the gym social contract is staying out of other people’s hair.

The Weight-Belt Guy
Eventually you’ll spot someone who has what appears to be a wrestling championship belt around his back. This is Weight Belt Guy, and he’s there to do serious weight-lifting stuff. Ideally these guys will hang out in their own gyms, where they can have conversations with other Weight Belt Guys, using complicated words like “isometric” or “set.” But they will sometimes show up in regular-person gyms, which is where you’ll learn to fear them. The big problem with these guys is the intimidation factor.

Whether they do it deliberately or accidentally, Weight Belt Guys make going to the gym even more humiliating than it already is.

The Girl Who Wears Absolutely Nothing Then Acts All Pissed Off When Everyone Looks at Her

This girl is hot and she knows it. She has worked hard for her body and spent a lot of money on skimpy workout attire. But whatever you do, DO NOT LOOK AT HER. She will give you a death stare so searing, you’ll feel like you’re about to appear on the next episode of To Catch a Predator.

The Expert
This self-proclaimed guru makes it his duty to approach random people throughout the gym and advise them on their workout. He usually quotes an abundance of studies which he or she thinks backs up his nonsense. The funny thing is, he’s not even in that great of shape. There’s not an exercise or workout that can be done with an audience that wouldn’t be far more comfortable being done alone.

So when some magnificent asshole sidles up and tells you that you’re working the wrong part of whatever limb is trembling like a leaf at the moment, you’re not going to like him.

The Dripper
The sad thing is that given its roots in the genetic and physical makeup of the subject, there’s not much a Dripper can do to prevent this condition. Aside from not exercising, of course, which is a deservedly popular answer. But there are corrective steps that can be taken, and with that in mind, Drippers can be further sub-categorized into two categories: 1) Abashed Drippers, who seem slightly embarrassed about it and discreetly mop up after themselves with towels and cleaning sprays. 2) Leaky Satans, who don’t do that at all.

The Chatterbox
This person sports a towel over his shoulder to create the illusion he actually produced some sweat that day. Meanwhile, he’ll simply watch you work out while rambling about his night at the bar or the time his buddy in another city did something spectacular. Keep your headphones on and do not, I repeat, do not make eye contact.

The Starer
Obviously you can find Starers in many places other than the gym, but given the self-consciousness issues at play when working out, Starers are at their most bothersome in the gym. This person is always a guy and somehow makes everyone uncomfortable. He’s had raging testosterone from the beginning of his workout and sized up every single girl in the facility. The occasional lick of the lips or wink reveals his role as the local pervert.

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